“That’s you Christians, all over!—you’ll get up a society, and get some poor missionary to spend all his days among just such a heathen. But let me see one of you that would take one into your house with you, and take the labor of their conversion on yourselves! No; when it comes to that, they are dirty and disagreeable, and it’s too much care, and so on.” -Augustine St. Clair, Uncle Tom’s Cabin

“If action does not accompany our conviction, it is really no conviction at all.” -My sister

Both of these were from a review on the character of Augustine St. Clair in Uncle Tom’s Cabin that my sister wrote. It was a really well written paper and discussed the difference between confession of truth and conviction of truth. How often we believe in something, yet do not back it up with our actions.

Thank you, sister for the inspiring words of the day.

Here’s her full review – Read and be inspired to move!

The Futile Conviction of Augustine St. Clair

One cannot begin to discuss the ending of slavery in the United States without highlighting Harriet Beecher Stowe’s monumental achievement, Uncle Tom’s Cabin. The success of the novel in both literary and political standards centers on the intimate characterizations of slaves and slave owners, as well as others who interact with them. Stowe depicts realistic and complex characters that discredited the stereotypes and hypocrisies of the public opinion during the time the novel was written (1852). She portrays the worth, humanness, and similarity of slaves who were thought to be inferior to whites and reveals the horrific wickedness of slavery that was often hidden, overlooked, or minimized. Readers get to know valiant heroes, tragic victims, ruthless tyrants, shallow hypocrites, and everything in between, which allows them to evaluate how their own opinions and lives correlate with those of the characters. While Stowe hopes to ignite sentiment on behalf of the slave, mere principle would not accomplish the ending of slavery. It is to this end, then, that she includes the character of Augustine St. Clair in her novel. Through St. Clair’s good intentioned but sterile beliefs, Stowe exposes the futility of “conviction” that does not lead to action, and parallels it to his trifling hopes for reconciling his Christian faith.

Throughout the novel, Stowe allows for several scenes where there is little action taking place, but lots of discourse revealing the character’s feelings towards slavery, and for St. Clair especially there are many opportunities to hear revelations of his heart. In one of his first real discourses with his cousin, Miss Ophelia (an opponent of slavery while still holding very racial views,) he gives a stirring account on his views of slavery, even acknowledging that there can be but one true opinion, though people may twist and distort truth to suit their purposes. He tries to maintain his cool, but his aversion of the institution his world embraces comes out clearly as he professes:

I declare to you—it’s no sort of use to talk or to feel on this subject—but I declare to you, there have been times when I have thought, if the whole country would sink, and hide all this injustice and misery from the light, I would willingly sink with it…when I have seen such men in actual ownership of helpless children, of young girls and women, I have been ready to curse my country, to curse the human race! (273)

The reader is initially shocked, right along with Miss Ophelia, that this passion is coming from a slave holder. However, when one reflects on St. Clare’s kind treatment and generous nature with his slaves, the assumption is made that St. Clair is merely a victim of his circumstance, a good man behind all the façade.

Stowe continues to reveal the subtle differences between what St. Clair believes and what we actually see lived out in his life. In chapter XX, he purchases a slave named Topsy for Miss Ophelia with the intention that the girl would be able to learn and prosper under her care as opposed to somewhere else. Doubly he has the motivation of breaking off some of Miss Ophelia’s aversion for the African American race that comes from ignorance rather than experience. The act in itself is really meaningful and intuitive, and attests to St. Clair’s wisdom in helping Topsy and challenging Ophelia. Again, he points out the hypocrisy in a Christianity that does not embrace all equally as he rationalizes:

That’s you Christians, all over!—you’ll get up a society, and get some poor missionary to spend all his days among just such a heathen. But let me see one of you that would take one into your house with you, and take the labor of their conversion on yourselves! No; when it comes to that, they are dirty and disagreeable, and it’s too much care, and so on (292).

Of course, Augustine is completely right and we are thankful that someone has revealed the truth of the matter; however, upon further reflection, is not it just as hypocritical that St. Clair possesses this knowledge and yet does not really practice it? Would it not have been more honorable that he purchase the girl and offer her freedom, along with his other slaves? The reader is left waiting for the verdict about St. Clair and his honor, and Stowe continues to cause one’s analysis to flow.

For all his ridicule of Christianity, St. Clair also seems to understand that God is on the side of abolition, which further defends his goodness while also confusing his purpose. We see this firsthand when his twin brother Alfred comes to visit in Chapter XXIII. He and his brother witness an exchange between their children in which Alfred’s son Henrique severely beats his slave for seemingly no reason, and St. Clair’s daughter Eva stands up for the slave. St. Clair and Alfred begin discussing the event, and at first St. Clair uses his usual sarcastic banter to dismount his brother’s argument that slaves are meant to be a lower class of human beings than whites, and that they must be kept lower by any means. Augustine’s disagreement is seen more as the conversation progresses, and his main argument is that “if there is anything that is revealed with the strength of the divine law in our times, it is that the masses are to rise, and the under class become the upper one” (327). He is predicting that justice will come on behalf of the slaves, and when it does it will be because of “divine” purpose.

Through scenes like these, we see into the truth of Augustine’s convictions. He really does believe slavery is wrong. Even through his mockery, he argues intelligently and passionately about the subject. In fact, his criticisms on the hypocritical Christianity he sees in others are some of the most well argued and poignant arguments in the entire novel. This certainly causes the reader to identify with and respect St. Clair very quickly. Though he doesn’t necessarily practice what he preaches, his kind treatment of his slaves paired with his sentiments seem to reveal the “real” St. Clair. One walks through each experience with Augustine foretelling that he will eventually become the man we know he really is, and make things right with his slaves and with God. This prediction grows stronger and stronger with each encouraging occurrence, but ultimately, it proves to be a false hope.

Although his beliefs against slavery have not yet manifested into emancipation of his slaves, St. Clair makes a promising vow in Chapter XXIV. Upon Eva’s sickbed, she asks her father to free Tom after she dies. It was not just a trivial concern for the child, but indeed she was filled with compassion in her plea, and even likens her father’s mourning over her to the same mourning the slaves experience over being taken from their children. This most assuredly moves Augustine, and he sincerely says that he will. The value of Eva to St. Clair is inexpressible, and this promise seems too meaningful to be forgotten. Finally, it looks as if Tom will have his freedom! Eva then moves on to another deep rooted request she has for her father, and asks him if he will come to her in heaven, her “Saviour’s home” (338). He is silent, and then says he will come after her, though with less enthusiasm than the previous appeal. Still, as we walk through these mournful scenes alongside Augustine, we sense that his love for Eva will triumph over his apathy, and that salvation is just around the corner for him and for Tom.

The ultimate quirk of fate in St. Clair’s story drives home Stowe’s criticism of his apathetic approach to his eloquent principles. In encountering Eva on her deathbed St. Clair is left more vulnerable to the integrity of faith than ever before. He saw truth in Eva’s beautiful last days and moments, and it haunted his mind with reality. However, Augustine is so disoriented without Eva and his unbelief, that he “could not arise” to the new life he felt was beckoning to him (372). He did begin to read the bible regularly, and to consider how his relations to his servants must be changed. He grew closer than ever to Tom, and they discussed faith and Tom’s freedom; yet as soon as we see St. Clair give in to his heart, he seems to feel too much and resort back to his cynicism. Still, on the night of his death “the shadowy veil of years seemed drawn away” (381). He and Miss Ophelia discuss the reality that it is finally time to take action and bring freedom to the servants of his household, but St. Clair feels the need to sit and ponder these things before committing to them, as is customary for him. He leaves to go to a café, where upon intervening in a brawl, he is fatally stabbed. As he is taking his last breaths, St. Clair has a vision of his mother and declares he is “coming home, at last!” and then passes away with a beautiful expression of peace (388). His story is ended, but it isn’t until Stowe illustrates the heartbreaking fate of Uncle Tom that a conclusion can be made about the life of Augustine St. Clair.

In the end, all that is left is utter disappointment. Of the many slave owners we have encountered, St. Clair was seemingly the most heroic, and surely he if anyone would have been the redeeming means for Tom. In reality, though, good intentions do not always come to pass. While he does finally embrace faith, St. Clair never lives the life that was intended for him, the life that could have changed the story altogether. All his wisdom, purpose, and heart ultimately mean nothing, for they never actually bring change into the real world. Through his character, Stowe has skillfully portrays the truth of James 1:22, “But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.” St. Clair did indeed deceive himself, and the reader, by disguising mere confession as true conviction. Reality exposes that St. Clair’s life accomplishes nothing that he had desired it to. Through his example, readers are forced to resolve that their own lives will not model that same useless hypocrisy, and that if action does not accompany our conviction, it is really no conviction at all.

Unmade Lyrics

When we were young
our words were innocent
whiter than snow,
awkward and slow.
now when we speak,
we risk an avalanche.
but that’s not enough now
to reroute our plans.

i believe that we’ve got it wrong, got it wrong.
we’ll realize when it’s said and done, said and done,
that in our words we’ve lost so much more
than we’ve ever won.

the aftermath
is cracked wood where fences stood
and the broken bones of our childhood.

in our trembling fear,
we put words inside God’s mouth.
we cover our tracks
and get so proud of ourselves,
we get so proud of ourselves,
we get so proud of ourselves
when we get away.

i believe that we’ve got it wrong, got it wrong.
we’ll realize when it’s said and done, said and done,
that in our words we’ve lost so much more
than we’ve ever won.

it’s in our nature to complicate,
but in the end it’s the casualties
that carry all the weight.

I have to live in that place…I have to live in the mess…I have to live where the action is. Mundane life is not for me. The ‘American Dream’ with the 2.5 kids and white picket fence and set career forever is not for me. That is way too easy…That is way too safe…That is way too boring.

But then what does that mean? Where do I go with that? What does life look like outside those safe walls? What cause do I fight for? What mess am I supposed to be involved in? Where do I place myself?

It’s weird – I feel that there are no answers to these questions yet. That the painter is still in the process of creating the full picture. And my role at this point is to prepare myself…mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically…in every way. Prepare myself to be in the midst of the action. Become resolute in what it is I want. Become secure in what cause I’m fighting for. Learn from those around me. Learn from the mistakes of others. Learn and listen and watch and see and know. Prepare. Get ready. Because soon enough the mess will arrive. Soon enough I’ll know what all the preparation was for. Soon enough I’ll get my answers.

O, this mind of mine is crazy and full and constantly going…

Let me rest in the now. Let the preparation be enough for now. Let this soul be full of peace in the everyday living. Peace little spirit, peace.

So…I sold my car. Maybe you know, maybe you don’t, but deciding to sell the car and then doing it were both hard and meaningful decisions for me. I have been thinking of selling the car for over a year, but have never been able to let it go…to let go of what it stood for and what it meant to me.

You see, I bought my little car for two reasons. One, because my whole life my family never really had a nice car. When we had a car, which was more often not the case (we learned to love walking J), it was always the kind that had been handed down a number of times over. I am so thankful to have had a car (again, we spent a number of years car-less), but I was a bit embarrassed on more than one occasion for the condition of our cars.  So, when I was old enough to afford my own car, I decided I to buy a car that I was proud to call my own, one that I never had to worry about breaking down, and one that felt new.  That was reason #1 for the car choice – to make up for the past.

Reason #2 was to prepare for the future. At the time I bought it, I was thinking I would be starting a family within a few years. I thought about whether the car would be good for car seats, for hauling strollers, for putting kids in and taking kids out. I thought about road trips and family visits. I thought about whether it would last long enough to be able to pass down to my teenagers. I dreamed about a whole life that would take place with that car…sigh.

About three months ago, a good friend said to me, ‘Beth, that car doesn’t fit you at all.’ At first, I was slightly offended at this, because for so long, I felt that my car was very representative of who I was, of how far I had come in life, of where I was headed. That car fit me perfectly…how could anyone say otherwise? But the more I thought about it and the more I thought about getting rid of it, the more I realized that this friend was right. The car no longer represented me – it represented a life I had imagined, a life I had created in my head, a life that I wasn’t currently living or going to be living anytime soon. With that car, I was living in the future, not the present.

Deciding to sell the car meant accepting that the life I had dreamed about, with a person I had been in love with, was over. Selling the car was an acceptance that I had bought into (quite literally) a life that was never offered to me, never real, never something the other person wanted. Selling the car was an acknowledgment that that life, that dream of a life, was finished with. And that’s what made it a hard thing to do. And why it took me over a year to accomplish.

Over the past year, good friends have helped me heal from wounds I didn’t know existed. Wonderful friends have supported me and listen to me through countless tears. Along the way, my heart has been put back together in a new way. And in the midst of all of it, I have become someone different…because pain changes us. Challenges make us grow. And I think I like the new me. I really love the life I am living, right here, right now.

I am very thankful for a friend who was able to recognize who I am today and where I’m at today, and who spoke up to let me know that I wasn’t living here and now. I am thankful for a friend who continued to encourage me to let go of the past and purse my current life, my current self. I am thankful for a friend who helped me with the actual process of selling the car…because each step was too much for me and never a priority on my to-do list. I am very thankful for this friend.

I find it funny how much I had tied to this little car; that I had allowed it to represent too much in my life, that I had created this idealistic life around it.

Selling the car = freedom. Selling the car = living in the now. Selling the car = new beginnings. Selling the car = possibilities that didn’t exist before.

Tonight I say farewell little car….hello new life.

O, how wonderfully He works in our lives. Thank You for this fresh start.

Selah.

O, Love…

When will you come my way?

This past week, she turned 27, so we celebrated with food, friends, words of appreciation, and wonderful new gifts.

I hope you felt celebrated, friend. You are an overwhelming blessing to my life.

Trace’s boss gave her tickets to the Blazer game on Friday night. Such great seats. We were behind the basket, which means we were given cheer stix…I’ve always wanted to be able to use the cheer stixs, so was really excited. It was a good game – Blazers won AND we got free chalupas!!!

Arm Update:

My arm continues to heal. I started physical therapy this week, which was an interesting experience. I really didn’t think that I would be put out as much as I have been by this whole incident. I thought that once the cast came off, I’d be good as new and able to use my arm like normal. Instead, it has been like starting over. I couldn’t unbend my elbow properly for like 2 days. And my wrist can barely rotate, which means that I look like I have Barbie arms whenever I’m doing anything…it’s really quite funny.

Here is my current wound from the pins…not so pretty to look at.

And this is what my skin currently looks like due to the cast. So old lady arm like. Sick.

Today, this spoke to me.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ALONE WITH GOD?

“When they were alone, He expounded all things to His disciples.” Mark 4:34

Our Solitude with Him. Jesus does not take us alone and expound things to us all the time; He expounds things to us as we can understand them. Other lives are parables. God is making us spell out our own souls. It is slow work, so slow that it takes God all time and eternity to make a man and woman after His own purpose. The only way we can be of use to God is to let Him take us through the crooks and crannies of our own characters. It is astounding how ignorant we are about ourselves! We do not know envy when we see it, or laziness, or pride. Jesus reveals to us all that this body has been harbouring before His grace began to work. How many of us have learned to look in with courage?

We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves, it is the last conceit to go. The only One Who understands us is God. The greatest curse in spiritual life is conceit. If we have ever had a glimpse of what we are like in the sight of God, we shall never say – “Oh, I am so unworthy,” because we shall know we are, beyond the possibility of stating it. As long as we are not quite sure that we are unworthy, God will keep narrowing us in until He gets us alone. Wherever there is any element of pride or of conceit, Jesus cannot expound a thing. He will take us through the disappointment of a wounded pride of intellect, through disappointment of heart. He will reveal inordinate affection – things over which we never thought He would have to get us alone. We listen to many things in classes, but they are not an exposition to us yet. They will be when God gets us alone over them.

In other news, I had my most favorite thing as part of dinner…fresh green beans…love it!!

Ummm…I’m not sure I’m ready for this….

OMG…look how nasty my arm looks. Trace says, “Your arm looks like you’re 80 years old…” Thanks!

Here’s the pins that have held my arm together for the past month…Sick!